3.

“Self-doubt is self-worth in another universe.” A wise man once said. That wise man is “Devon,” played by Jason Schwartzman in the movie Wine Country on Netflix.

This line made me smile, and not just because it came out of Jason’s mouth (he’s one of my favorite actors). It made me smile because, I struggle with self-doubt! Self-doubt is my kryptonite. It is a dream killer. It makes me question every decision I make, or worse, it withholds me from making decisions. It paralyses me. So to think that self-doubt might be self-worth in another universe gives me hope. Because, I don’t think it’s ever going away.

I need to learn how to conquer self-doubt and stop self-sabotaging once and for all! Could it happen? Is it possible? 

I’ve given up on writing, which has always been really important to me, countless times. I’ve had this WordPress blog for five years now and I’ve deleted numerous posts because I didn’t think they were good enough. Truth – I didn’t think I was good enough. And now I regret it. I’m mad at myself for being such a harsh critic and not giving myself room-to-grow, or permission to be an imperfect foolish human.  

I think the only way through self-doubt is to embrace the fool who says, I’m not sure about this or what I’m doing, but I’m going to do it anyway – leap! I’ve always felt like a fool, stumbling over my words like they’re two left feet that lost their direction. After years of reading self-help books and following spiritual programs, I’ve learned time and time again, the way through self-doubt is foolishly believing in yourself no matter what. Simply, and bravely, showing up for yourself and trying, and trying again. Everyday I feel like I’m failing at something, but every day there are small wins too.

This morning I had a small win when I made my family banana pancakes. After years of making pancakes for them, I can now make them confidently from scratch without a recipe to follow for measurements. They don’t always turn out great but this morning, those were the best banana pancakes I think I’ve ever made. Win!

While I stood there waiting for each pancake to puff up in the pan, I thought about blogging. What should I write about? My husband, who had been hovering around me all morning in need of attention, entered the kitchen for the third or fourth time in 20 minutes. I told him I wanted to write but didn’t know what to write about. “What am I going to blog about making pancakes?” I said sarcastically. 

“Sure.” He said. 

Well, okay then. 

Until next time…

Ashley